Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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