for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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