God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize