I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
