people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
