i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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