i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
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