Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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