My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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