Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Randomize
