The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
