My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize