I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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