I accidentally had phone sex last night
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
