if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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