I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Randomize
