you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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