My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
