I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
