what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
