She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
