I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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