I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize
