..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
