This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
