I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize