i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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