hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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