Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
