How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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