No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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