hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
