can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
