Don't make out with my wife yet
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
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