i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
