a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
