Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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