all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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