I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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