God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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