Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
