I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
