If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
