1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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