Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
