I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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