I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
