are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
