I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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