john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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