Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
