I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Randomize
