you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
