I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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