youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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