Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
The ass gains better be worth it
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
