he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize