I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
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