Don't EVER smell your tampon
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
