I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Also, beer. Big fan.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
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