Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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