I can't watch pbs sober anymore
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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