why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
