I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
