I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Operation Purity has been aborted
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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