im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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