Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
